It’s not a metaphoric closet.

Last week, for reasons I would rather not get into, my husband and I had a discussion about house insurance.

It turns out he is clueless. Loveable, but clueless.

Our house contents are insured for $75,000. When he dropped that bombshell, and I asked him if we had a special rider for my clothes, he looked at me with complete incomprehension. When he recovered capacity for his speech he became yet more incomprehensible, and said “What, you have about 25 dresses right, at about $150 each? 10 pairs of shoes? How much are shoes?”

Tory Burch. Chloe. Helmut Lang. Kate Spade. Isabel Marant. Proenza Schouler.

                    TORI BURCHCHLOEHELMUTKATE SPADEMARANTPROENZA

These timeless fashion classics live in my closet.

This, my friend, is Burberry. BURBERRY. It was not $150:

BURBERRY

This, this is Vivienne Westwood. Sure, only her red line, but still, not $150:

WESTWOOD

You see, I am cursed by the fact that I have remained the same dress size for 20 years. And generally, classic fashion does not go out of style. Generally, classic fashion remains in my closet. I am helplessly timeless.

darcy on stairs

If we have a fire I guess the boys are all going to be naked for a while.

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First World Mental Vacation

Oh, I know what you’re going to say. Yes, I have been away. But let me assure you, that isn’t because my first problems have diminished. Not at all, if anything they have compounded.

Take for instance, problem #1: My job was not allowing me to reach my full potential.

im too pretty

8:30 to 4:30 everyday, in a cubicle, at a computer, managing paperwork and filling in meaningless forms. Running in circles for approvals. It was like living Vaclav Havel’s The Memorandum, but without all the hilarity. So, I quit. I went back to school.

lawyer

After the heady impulsive rebellion driven rush, the reality of the situation kicked in.  I had to write an eloquent resignation and rush around to shop for schools supplies to accommodate the demands of student life.

  • I had to get a new laptop
  • A nice laptop case.
  • I had to get a new router so I had reliable wifi in every corner of the house (it was notoriously spotty in the northeast wing).
  • I needed a new chair for my ‘office’.
  • I needed a reading lamp.
  • I needed more comfy leggings and warm sweaters to keep off the chill as I studied.

Shopping is a lot of work.

ShoppingBags

And then came problem #2: School has not improved in the past two decades. It was like a Jr High nightmare flashback. With god as my witness, I swore I would never parse again.

But I parsed, and bit my lip with every missing oxford comma.

I settled in to spending 3 hours a week in class and several more hours a day in yoga pants sitting at my laptop in my office working through my course readings. The only breaks I got were when I got up, basically whenever I wanted, to make myself a latte or have a hot bath. It was rigorous and exhausting.

That was just to start, my entire second post secondary journey was fraught with peril. But, that’s for another day. Right now, I am late for my manicure.