Good news everyone! Me and B have a new home.
Now, before you all start checking your inboxes – I would love to have you all over to celebrate my happiness but please be patient as we have purchased a fixer-upper.
I know, I know, money wasn’t the object so why in goodness name would I ever consider buying a home that was less than perfect? It’s not like I’d ever buy clothes at an outlet mall, or buy last year’s technology to save a buck, right?
I haven’t really compromised my principles, B just helped me see the possibilities I could explore in a house I could really put my own stamp on.
Instead of inheriting a library built to hold the literary travesties of Danielle Steele and Dan Brown…
I can design and have built a library worthy of Dostoyevsky and Hemingway.
Instead of taking over someone’s tired old craft room still smelling of Stampin’ Up and hot glue guns…
I can create a place for paint and clay and belle arte.
Yes, it’s a fixer upper for me. I shall soon enter a world of hiring contractors and choosing hardwood, but I will survive and come out of it a better person with a better house to feel better about.
**** MY DEAREST FRIENDS, I FIND MYSELF OVERWHELMED BY THE WEIGHT OF MY FIRST WORLD BURDEN. DUE TO MY SEVERE FATIGUE, TODAY’S BLOG POST IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE PAST EVENINGS’ CONVERSATION ****
B: Darcy my love.
Darcy: Yes, darling love of my life.
B: I have been thinking…
Darcy: Of course you have, darling.
B: …about the second house we looked at…
Darcy: Second house? Hmmm…
B: You remember?
Darcy: Ummm…we’ve seen so many…
B: You noted the the unfortunate flecked gold kitchen tile.
Darcy: Gold is so 1983.
B: Of course it is my love. I don’t question your judgement. It would be immediately removed – I wouldn’t have it otherwise. You also rightly condemned the tacky mirrors and glass shelves on each side of the fireplace.
Darcy: Mirrors remind me of Hugh Heffner. I can’t condone that, can I?
B: Your condemnation is justified, my love. Remember yet? You feared that the master bedroom walk in closet would hold your clothes, but was not big enough to also hold your shoes.
Darcy: I must have a place to keep my shoes, should I go barefoot?
B: I would carry you on my shoulders before I allowed such a thing! It had the bonus room with the fireplace and skylights that I suggested you could use as a studio; but you rightly worried that all the windows overlooking the garden just served to restrict the number of paintings you could display at any given time.
Darcy: I need to be surrounded by my own creativity, or I may die.
B: Your creativity sustains me as well, my love, and you will have an art room. You are my work of art come to life. My Mona Lisa…
Darcy: You make me blush. Was the house brick?
B: Yes! Do you remember the house?
Darcy: No. But it sounds dreadful.
B: Dreadful is priceless. The listing was reduced; I thought we could take a second look, my love.
Darcy: OH! So now we are shopping in the discount bin (a tear runs down my cheek). I suppose my love was also a bargain?
B: Your love was a heavenly blessing – let me wipe your tears, my love. Don’t think of it as a discount, but as thrift; thrift is a virtue. Virtue for the virtuous. (we share a passionate kiss) And we could take the money we save and spend it on something nice, something sparkly for you, my love. It’s what you deserve.
Darcy: Not bargain sparkly…
B: Never my love – top-of-the-line sparkly. So can we re-visit?
Darcy: Of course, whatever you want, darling, I defer to your manly authority.
B: I love you…
Darcy: I love you so very much…
B: No, I love you more…
Darcy: But I will love you until I die…
B: I will love you from the grave…
Darcy: I love you enough to defy the grave…
B: I love you enough to escape the third circle of hell to find you…
Darcy: And I would love you even from purgatory…
B: Kiss me…
Oh my. House hunting looks so much simpler on TV.
Here is a run-down of the ‘houses’ we’ve seen:
- Big corner house, decor dominated by the keg (?) of Jägermeister, assorted Jägermeister paraphernalia and hentai inspired artwork.
- House on a quiet cul de sac, with guest room in the basement down the long narrow hallway past the utility room, conveniently only three steps to the toilet behind a curtain right next to the furnace.
- Home in a quiet neighbourhood; comes with security system, which consists of cameras mounted inside each window to monitor activity outside the house, probably in no way connected to the strange wiring throughout the house and the multiple money counting machines in the upstairs office.
- Quaint home near river valley trails, filled with love and the wafting odor of jasmine just masking the smell of damp concrete and raw sewage.
- Traditional family home with warm interior. Could be even warmer if any of us make a spark accidentally igniting the hardwood floors, wood paneled walls, wood ceiling beams, wooden counters, wooden shelves, wooden sauna…
- Spacious home, the sense of space is amplified by the insipid grey linoleum throughout the entire house; stairs, foyer, living room, library, family room, den, kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms…
- Historic heritage home with antique fixtures, including the original chicken coops in the unfinished basement (?)
- New home with master bedroom on main floor. Large glass enclosed fire place in wall, conveniently open on both sides and placed between the living room and master bedroom – exceptional home for entertaining guests!
I’ve had to severely downgrade my expectations and opinion of humanity in general. Seriously. These aren’t even POOR people’s homes. These people have enough money to buy some taste, or hire someone to have some on their behalf.
The house hunting has officially begun.
The real estate agent has our list of parameters. It should be simple to find a house.
It has to be big enough for the 5 of us – obviously not less that 3500 sq feet, there must be 4 bedrooms above grade and at least one spare, a library, an art room, a media room, a gaming room for the boys, a den with a fireplace, a living room, the dining room (with a fireplace) which must hold my 12 seat dining room table, we all need walk-in closets (how would we function without them?), with a double garage, a garden, a deck, and it must be close to a ravine.
I would ask for more but you know me, I don’t like to be greedy.
Honestly, is this too much too ask? It’s all I need.
Oh my but I am nervous and scared and excited and giddy and apprehensive and enthusiastic and just a little bit sleepy.
B and I are house hunting – squee!
I know all of you out there will be interested in how I manage to survive the trials and tribulations of finding a home up to standard. Rather than retell the story to everyone I decided to start a blog. I love you and want you all to have only the best, no tired retold second hand stories for the people I love. I feel it is my duty as a friend.
I can’t wait to start sharing 🙂